Chapter 1

7 years ago…

The wheels touched down, jolting me awake. I was so fucking tired after the bumpy ride back to the United States. After an entire fucking year of being deployed, I was ready to lay down in bed and sleep for a good week.

“Finally,” Bowie sighed next to me.

“Yeah,” I grunted. “It’s been really rough on you.”

“Hey, you’re the dumb fuck that agreed to extend his tour.” He shook his head at me. “You have a wife at home. Why the fuck would you not take leave?”

“The money was good,” I said, shrugging as if that was the only reason I chose to accept the offer.

The truth was, the money was good, but I didn’t want to take leave. I rushed into a marriage because the girl I fucked a few months before I deployed showed up pregnant. Hell, I wasn’t even sure the baby was mine, but I wouldn’t be the jackass that backed out of my responsibilities. Because if there was even the slightest chance I was that kid’s father, I had to do right by him. There were no guarantees that I would come back from any mission. So, the minute she told me she was pregnant, the only thing I could think to do was marry her and make sure the kid was provided for in case I didn’t come home. 

“Still, you haven’t even met your kid yet. Aren’t you excited?”

The doors opened, giving me a reprieve from answering. I hauled my pack onto my back and stretched out the kinks.

“Duke,” Bowie clapped me on the shoulder, a look of concern on his face. “What’s going on?”

He could always read me like a book, but these thoughts were only for me. “Nothing. Just tired. It’s been a long fucking tour.”

His grin made even my crabby ass smile. “Then let’s get the fuck out of here. I need a steak and at least a six pack.”

I nodded and got in line to deplane. I braced for Carolyn to be waiting at the gate, my kid on her hip. My heart was racing at the thought that this was my new reality. I was going to be a father, not by choice, and definitely not by a woman I loved. But I made my bed, and now I had to lie in it.

I licked my lips as I stared into the distance. The sun made it impossible to see who was waiting. Within minutes of us getting off the plane, families started racing to their loved ones. But soon, those families had all reconciled, and I stood there with Bowie, neither of us having anyone waiting for us. Bowie knew no one would be there. He didn’t have any family, and rarely dated anyone. So, there was no surprise there, but Carolyn not showing up was a surprise.

Bowie clapped me on the shoulder, directing me to the main building. “Come on. Let’s go debrief so we can get the fuck out of here.”

The debrief would take hours, which only gave me time to stew in my own thoughts. Maybe she hadn’t gotten my letter. Snail mail was how I usually contacted her, mostly because I didn’t want to be caught off guard on the phone with no idea what to say to her. The last time we talked, she mentioned something about an old boyfriend that kept calling her, but I thought she was trying to make me jealous. I hardly knew her, so getting jealous wasn’t going to happen.

When all was said and done, we headed out to the parking lot. Bowie still had his truck here, so I hitched a ride with him. My stomach was twisted in knots at this point, and we had several hours to drive before we’d get home.

“You sticking around?” I asked, hoping he’d say yes.

“I don’t know. Haven’t decided yet.” He glanced over at me. “Are you sure you want out?”

“I put in the paperwork a year ago. Nothing’s changed for me.”

“Because of the wife and kid,” he nodded.

“I guess.”

I stared out the window, but I could feel his eyes on me. “You know, it was a quickie marriage, and now that you’re out…it’s not like the danger is still there.”

“Meaning?”

“Meaning you can provide for your kid without worrying about getting your ass shot off halfway around the world. If this isn’t what you want, get a fucking divorce. Life is too short.”

“And be the asshole that deployed for a year and then came home and divorced her before ever meeting my kid?”

“If it’s your kid,” he clarified. “I can’t believe you didn’t ask for a paternity test.”

“There wasn’t exactly time. I needed to make sure she had what she needed before I left.”

He shook his head at me. “Man, I admire you for wanting to take that on and do the right thing, but you’ve barely heard from her in months.”

Three months, to be exact. She hadn’t bothered to respond to any of my letters. Hell, maybe she was fed up with me for not having the balls to call her. I couldn’t blame her for being pissed. I missed the birth of the kid and everything.  Just because I tried to do right by them didn’t make me a standup guy.

Bowie pulled into my driveway and I shook my head at how shitty it all looked. “Couldn’t she have hired someone to take care of the lawn?” Bowie asked.

The grass was overgrown and the house looked abandoned. My gut churned with worry as I flung the door open and got out of his truck, not bothering to grab my shit. Shoving the key in the lock, I opened the door and stared at the mess. The house was fucking trashed, and the smell of takeout containers was worse. I walked over and picked one up, grimacing at the mold coating the inside. 

“Holy fuck,” Bowie said as he walked inside. “What the fuck happened here?”

I held out the container to him. “By the looks of it, she’s been gone for a while.”

He frowned. “She was living like this with the kid? Why?”

I shook my head. I didn’t understand it either. “She had plenty of money. She could have hired a maid.”

I walked through the house, shaking my head at the destruction all around me. A hole in the wall…glasses broken on the counter…I headed for the bedroom and flung open the closet door. All her things were still hanging inside.

“Bowie!” I called out.

He came ambling in, staring at the closet with me. “She left her shit behind?”

“That doesn’t make sense. Why?”

“What about the kid?”

I took off for the baby’s room, unsurprised to find a lot of stuff left behind. “Most of this stuff wouldn’t fit him anymore,” I said, looking at the tags on the clothes.

“You want to call the police?” Bowie asked.

I stared around the house, unsure of what to make of it. “Let me talk to Jenna. She’ll know what’s going on.”

“The aunt?” Bowie asked.

I nodded. “They weren’t exactly close, but she should have some idea of what happened.”

I headed back to the kitchen, sighing at the mess. That’s when I saw the note. I opened it up and read the short, but simple Fuck You.

Duke,

  I couldn’t do it to you anymore. The baby isn’t yours.

      -Carolyn

“What the fuck?” I said, shaking my head in disbelief.

“What is it?”

I handed over the note, watching the surprise fill Bowie’s face. “Is she fucking serious? She married you knowing the kid wasn’t yours?”

“Looks that way. Honestly, the whole time I was deployed, I couldn’t shake the feeling that it was wrong. Maybe this is for the best.”

“Are you sure?”

I nodded, staring at the mess. “Yeah, fuck,” I said, running my hands through my hair. “I guess I missed a bullet.” I laughed lightly, but Bowie saw through it.

“You want me to stick around?”

“No, I’m good.”

But he shifted from one foot to the other. “You know, I don’t feel like making the drive back to my place tonight. Maybe I’ll just hang out here.”

I rolled my eyes at him. “Bowie, it’s all good.”

“Yeah, but you have a shit ton of stuff to clean up. I don’t mind helping.”

I sighed, staring around at the destruction. Truth be told, I wasn’t looking forward to cleaning it up alone. “Thanks, man.”

“No problem. Go find out what you can. I’ll start…tossing shit out.”

I nodded and headed for the garage door. With any luck, my truck was still in the garage. Relief flooded me when I saw it was still there. I grabbed the keys and headed out. I would have answers soon enough.

✯

All Curled Up

I stared up at the sign as I parked in front of the salon. I dreaded going inside and hearing whatever Jenna had to tell me. I hadn’t even bothered to check my accounts yet. If she left, did she bleed me dry? Before I looked into that, I needed answers. I shoved the door open and headed inside. All heads looked in my direction as the tinkling of the bell overhead.

Jenna’s face morphed into a smile when she saw me. She abandoned the woman in her chair and came running over to me, engulfing me in a hug. “Duke! Why didn’t you tell us you were coming home? Look at you! No bullet wounds that I can see. Oh, I wish I had known. I would have driven out to get you.”

I cleared my throat, broaching the uncomfortable subject. “I sort of thought Carolyn would be there.”

Her face fell instantly. “Oh…I thought…”

“You thought what?”

She sighed, pulling me away from prying ears. “Duke, she’s gone.”

“I saw the note. You thought she would have called?” I asked sarcastically.

“An old boyfriend came back.” She rolled her eyes. “Not exactly my first choice of men for her. You would have been good for her and the boy.”

“I can’t get my mind around it,” I admitted. “I think part of me wondered if the kid was really mine, but…”

“But she married you,” she nodded. “That girl…”

“She left the place trashed. The least she could have done was pick up before she took off,” I joked.

But Jenna didn’t laugh along with me. In fact, pretty much everyone at the salon was staring at me with pity, and that just wasn’t my style. Still, I wanted to know what happened.

 “Do you know where she went?”

She shook her head. “She didn’t exactly come over for tea and talk about it. She left me a note. I think she was too ashamed to face me.”

“When did this happen?”

“Not too long after the baby was born. But she did leave all the letters you wrote her.”

I nodded, swallowing the lump in my throat. “Can I have them?”

“Yeah, just give me a minute.”

She hurried into the back while everyone else tried and failed to ignore me. I tried to shake off the disturbing feelings running through me, but couldn’t. I had failed. I thought I was taking care of her by marrying her. I thought I was doing the right thing, but instead, she ran off with some other guy. She let me believe I was going to be a father, but maybe it was my lack of enthusiasm that pushed her over the edge. I should have tried harder. I should have done everything possible to make my marriage work.

“Here,” Jenna said as she walked back out. She had a shoebox full of letters that she handed to me. “Those are the letters she left that were from you. And I stuck the one she wrote to me on top. I’m so sorry, Duke.”

I nodded, clearing my throat. “Thank you. I appreciate this.”

“Don’t be a stranger. If you need anything, just stop by.”

“I will.”

I nodded at her and left the shop feeling deflated. The whole ride home, I’d been worried about seeing her, and now she was gone. I didn’t get the chance to talk through my feelings with her, or even say hello to my own kid. Fuck, he wasn’t my kid.

I got in the truck and slammed the door, staring down at the shoebox. She thought enough to save the letters, but that was it? If I hadn’t taken the year deployment, things might have been different. Maybe she would have stayed. Now the question was, did I track her down to find out why she lied to me, or did I allow her the freedom she so clearly wanted?