Maintenance Required

“Eric, I’m telling you man, she’s quiche.”

I stared at him, wondering what the hell he was saying. My brother had a habit of talking like an idiot. He was part of the millennial generation that spoke in a completely different language. One that I would never understand. And if he wasn’t speaking like an idiot, he had those damn earbuds in, constantly blaring music. And I never even knew he had them in because they were wireless. So, I would be talking to him for minutes before I realized he couldn’t even hear me.

He rolled his eyes and sighed. “She’s hot and totally perfect for you. Just go out with her.”

I finished pulling the two by fours out of my pickup truck and slammed the tailgate. “I’m not doing it, Andrew. I’ve had a long day and more work still ahead of me. If you really thought she was so perfect for me, you should have given me her number, not set up a date for us for tonight.”

Andrew ran behind me, ducking out of the way when I swung the two by fours to the side and almost knocked him in the head. Dumbass. He’d learn to move out of the way. 

“Come on. Don’t do this to me. I told her that you were a stand up guy and completely reliable.”

“You said that?” I asked, not at all believing him. My brother didn’t say anything unless he said it like a millennial, which basically meant that any normal person wouldn’t understand a word out of his mouth.

“I’m translating for you. Please, man. Kelsey will be pissed if you stand her friend up, and then she’ll never go out with me.”

“So, this is really about you getting with the friend.”

“Well, not totally. Man, don’t be so salty. This chick is totally on fleek. I’m telling you, I can’t even.”

“Would you just shut the hell up? I can’t talk to you when you get like this. I have no fucking clue what you’re saying.”

He groaned in frustration. “I’m saying that you need to ‘chill out’,” he said using air quotes. “This woman is…” He scrunched his eyes as if it took all his willpower to come up with an English word. “Stylin’. She dresses nicely. She’s the total package.”

“See, why can’t you just say that to begin with?”

“Because I sound stupid when I try to talk like you.”

“No,” I laughed. “You sound stupid when you don’t finish your sentences because it’s some secret language that you and your friends have. I’m telling you, if you ever get a real job and try to fit in with the rest of society, I’m going to have to send you to finishing school.”

“I already finished school, you asshole.”

I laughed again. I loved my youngest brother, but he was so out of touch with the rest of the world. He and his friends all reminded me of grammatically incorrect hippies, out to save the world one incomplete sentence at a time. 

“Andrew, I have no desire to go out with a woman that you think is perfect for me. She’s probably just like you, and I can’t sit through a dinner where I have to decipher every word being said.”

“Naw, she’s nothing like me. She’s actually more your age, so she’s basic.”

“Basic.”

“Boring, like you.”

“Andrew-”

“Please?” he pleaded. “I really like this girl. She could totally be my bae. Don’t do this to me.”

It was his eyes. Those damn eyes that looked so much like Ma’s and every time he looked at me with those puppy dog eyes, I was a goner. I looked to the sky in frustration and yelled. 

“Fine. When am I supposed to meet her?”

He did some kind of happy dance and then jumped into my arms hugging me. I shoved him back, uncomfortable with his weird version of a man hug. “Six o’clock at The End Zone.”

“The End Zone? That’s the place where I’m supposed to take this woman on a date? A dive bar?”

“Live a little, bro.” He shook his head as he smiled. “You’re totally going to slay it.”

“Slay what? What the fuck are you saying?”

He pointed a finger at me, his head bobbing around as he laughed. “Don’t do that, Hunty. You know! Alright,” he said turning around. “I have to hit it. Just remember, pics or it didn’t happen.”

I stared at his retreating form, still trying to figure out what he said. “What was her name again?”

“Sandy or Mandy. Something like that.”

He got in his car and drove away, leaving me standing there completely dumbfounded. What the hell had I just agreed to?

✯✯✯✯✯

I walked into the bar dressed in jeans and a t-shirt. I figured that if we were meeting in a dive bar, I didn’t need to get dressed up, which went against everything I believed about dating. However, since my brother set this up and basically coerced me into doing it, I wasn’t too concerned how this whole thing turned out.

I glanced around the bar, seeing mostly scantily clad women and men dressed in biker gear with tattoos covering their bodies. I didn’t care much for tattoos. I liked my body to be as natural as possible. Plus, I had seen way too many people that regretted things they had tattooed on their bodies.

The lights were dim and the bar was smoky. No one in this town cared about smoking bans in public spaces and nobody bothered to call the cops about it. I coughed from the stench in the air and waved my hand in front of my face to clear the smoke. I stepped toward the bar and gave a nod to the bartender, Jake. I knew him well from high school and still hung out with him occasionally. 

“Eric, never thought I’d see you in here. What can I get you?”

“Just a beer. I’m supposed to be meeting someone here.”

He pulled a glass and filled it from the tap, his eyes going to the corner table. “That woman came in alone. Keeps looking around like she’s expecting someone.”

“Thanks, man.” I put some money on the bar and walked over to the table. She was about thirty, maybe thirty-two at most. She dressed nicely, I supposed, but definitely a little more…wild than I was used to. She had on short shorts and a plaid shirt that was tied at the waist. Her cowboy boots had splashes of teal in them and she had a cowboy hat that looked like it had seen a few rodeos. Compared to the other women in the bar, she was fully clothed.

As I got closer, I saw that her hair was brown and hung in loose waves down her back. Her large, green eyes flicked to mine and danced with a light I had never seen before. Her smile stretched wide across her face, shining so bright that it took my breath away. 

She stood up and walked over to me, jumping into my arms and wrapping her legs around my waist. “Hey there, good looking. You must be my date.”

I swallowed hard and cleared my throat, setting her down on the floor and taking a step back. “Eric, and you are?”

“Kiki.”

Figures. Andrew couldn’t remember her name and I get stuck with a Kiki.

“Kiki?”

“Well, it’s Katherine, but that’s so boring and I wanted something that was full of life.”

I was already regretting stepping out of the house tonight. This woman was nothing like me. What the hell had Andrew been thinking setting me up with a woman that went by Kiki?

“Well, Katherine, how about we take a seat and I’ll buy you a drink?”

“Sure. Let’s get some food too. The nachos are amazing,” she said, biting her lip as she rolled her eyes heavenward.

“I’m not sure I want to eat anything that comes from here.”

“Oh, live a little. What’s a little salmonella between friends,” she grinned.

“I have a business to run and I can’t afford time off because of food poisoning.”

She threw her head back in laughter while I stared at her like she had a third head. What the hell was so funny about that? “You are so funny, Eric. Chrissy was right. You are definitely going to be a good time.”

Was I in some alternate universe? What the hell was she talking about? I was probably the last person on the face of the earth that anyone would say was funny. In fact, my brothers always referred to me as a wet blanket. The only time I really let loose was when it was just the seven of us.

“Anyway, what is it you do, Katherine?”

“I work over at the Children’s Hospital in Kankakee.”

She signaled to Jake and he nodded back to her. “What do you do there?”

“I’m a nurse.”

“Oh, I didn’t expect that from you.”

“Why? Because I’m out having a good time? Did you think all nurses were boring and stayed in on Friday nights?”

“Not at all, but when my brother set this up, I didn’t know what to expect. He doesn’t exactly have the same taste in women as me.”

“I’ll try not to take offense to that.”

“Please don’t. I’m sure you’re lovely. I just don’t think we’ll have anything in common.”

“Well, let’s see, shall we? We can make a bit of a game out of it.”

“And what would the game be?”

“How about every time we don’t have a common interest, we take a drink.”

“I think we’ll end up very drunk by the end of the night,” I muttered under my breath.

She smiled at me with a twinkle in her eyes. “Maybe this night won’t be such a bust after all.”

Jake brought over a bottle of vodka and two shot glasses. I raised an eyebrow at her. I definitely was not a shot guy. I hadn’t had a shot in years. Beer was the most lethal drink I consumed at the end of the day. 

“Live a little, Eric.”

If there was one thing I never did, it was back down from a challenge. “Fine, I’ll go first. Favorite color?”

“That’s easy. Blue.

“Me too.”

“Damn, I was so hoping you would say pink.”

I shook my head and chuckled. The woman did have a sense of humor.

“Alright, my turn. Favorite sexual position?”

“Wow,” I chuckled. “You really go right for the hard questions.”

“I like the hard ones. In fact, the harder they are, the better.”

I ran a hand across my jaw, scratching at the scruff I had forgotten to shave off after my shower. “Anything?” I asked.

“Anything,” she whispered seductively.

“Doggy style.”

She took a drink. “Damn, I like that one too, but not as much as the cowgirl.”

My eyes dropped to her breasts that were peeking out from where her shirt was unbuttoned. I wondered what her breasts looked like as they bounced up and down while she rode my dick. My eyes flicked back to hers and she grinned at me. 

“That’s why I like it.”

I drank my shot and cringed at the burn. “My turn. Favorite time of year?”

“Summer. Gotta love those men walking around with their shirts off.” I watched as her eyes roamed over my body, taking in my muscles bulging from my arms. I worked hard, not at working out, but working with my hands and the rest of my body got a workout along with it.

I took a drink of my own. “Fall.”

“It’s a shame,” she said as she drank her shot. “Swallow or spit?”

“Spit.” I had never been one to go down on a woman. I didn’t enjoy it and I didn’t see what was so appealing about swallowing another person’s bodily fluids.

“Swallow,” she said before pouring another shot and drinking it down. I followed her lead and did the same. 

The alcohol was going to my head already and at this rate, I wouldn’t be able to drive home. I wracked my brain for something we might have in common. I had to slow this down.

“Pickup or car?”

“Pickup.”

“Thank fuck. Me too,” I said with a smile.

“Favorite feature of the opposite sex?”

“That’s not a fair question,” I countered. “There are too many different body parts.”

“Such as?”

“Well, I’m pretty sure if I said that I was a breast man, your answer would not be the same.”

“Okay, excluding obvious body parts, what’s your favorite feature of the opposite sex?”

“On you? Your eyes. Definitely your eyes.”

“Hmmm. That’s a tough call for me.” She looked at the alcohol as if she was weighing the alcohol into her answer. “I would say it’s fair to say that your eyes are definitely my favorite feature.”

We stared at each other for a minute, electricity zapping between us. I hadn’t come here for anything more than a disappointing date, but this was fast becoming the most interesting date I had ever been on.

“Coffee drinker?”

“Tea.”

I poured us more shots and we both took one. 

“One night stand or relationship?”

“Relationship,” I said, thinking that would be her answer.

She raised an eyebrow. “One night stand.”

We both took a drink.

“Stay here and talk or go to my place and fuck?”

Did I just seriously say that? The alcohol must really be going to my head. She didn’t answer, but picked up her purse and walked toward the exit, glancing over her shoulder and winking at me. I sat there for a few seconds, completely stunned that that had actually worked and quickly threw down some money. She was waiting for me outside and I grabbed her hand, dragging her over to my truck. She wasted no time crawling across the seat and licking my ear. I had to tighten my hold on the steering wheel to keep from driving us off the road. 

When her hand snaked down to my package and latched on, my hips bucked in the seat, but not out of desire.

“Whoa! Hold on there, tiger. Wait until we get home.”

She licked the shell of my ear and nipped at the lobe. “Why? Learn to loosen up and have a little fun.”

“That-That’s not safe. Distracted driving kills approximately nine people and injures at least a thousand every day in the United States.”

“Then you’re lucky no one’s on the road with us.”

Her hand moved down to my jeans and grasped at me again. I quickly pulled her hand away and set it on her lap, patting it gently. “Most accidents occur within fifteen miles of your home. We are well within that range, so let’s just wait until we get to my place and then I’ll let you have your way with me.”

“Is that a promise?”

“If you let me drive us home without any more shenanigans? I swear it.”

“I’m gonna hold you to that.”

I recited the alphabet over and over in my head, but when that didn’t work, I started listing all the states in alphabetical order. By the time we got back to my place, my manhood was a little more under control and I didn’t feel like we would end this date in my pickup truck.

She hopped out before I could open her door and followed me inside. Luckily, my brothers were out for the night and there was no one to disturb us. They would definitely have something to say about me bringing a woman home since  I was so picky with my selections. And Katherine definitely wasn’t a woman I normally brought home. 

Her hips swayed from side to side as she headed for the stairs and turned back to me tauntingly. I swallowed hard, trying to restrain myself from taking her on the stairs. I stumbled up after her and pushed her toward my door, slamming it behind me. I stripped her of her clothes and got mine off in record time. She jumped up into my arms and wrapped herself around me. I stumbled back, trying to balance us, but then overcorrected and sent us flying toward the bed.

We bounced off the edge and fell to the floor, her straddling my hips and grinding against me without even registering that we just fell off the bed. Her juices rubbed against my cock and before I could think about it, I was inside her and she was riding me hard. Fuck, she felt amazing. Her moans filled the room and it took every single memory of me and my brothers to keep from blowing inside her within a minute.

When I finally had myself under control, I rolled her over and took her hard. I felt like a deranged psycho going in for the latest kill. I had to have her. I needed to make her mine now. I had never let loose like this before. I was always the responsible brother that took a woman out on at least three dates before taking her home. This was so unlike me, but exactly what I needed right now. 

I took her twice more that night and then fell back on the sweaty sheets with her laying on the other side of the bed. I shouldn’t let her stay. I didn’t even fucking know her, but she was already dead to the world. I rolled over and passed out, wondering why the hell I allowed myself to drink so much.

✯✯✯✯✯

The next morning, the sun shone brightly in my eyes, blinding me and letting me know that I had definitely missed my wakeup call and would be late for work. I threw the covers off, my head pounding and my stomach revolting. I was never drinking like that again. I stood and made my way to the bathroom, doing a double take when I saw a feminine foot sticking out of the covers. I leaned in close to examine it, as if I was seeing things. Her toe nails were painted a sparkly pink. I blinked several times, sure that I was imagining things, but the foot was still there. 

I shook my head and looked up by the pillow. The woman from last night was most definitely in my bed. That hadn’t been a dream, which meant the sex was very real also. I went into the bathroom and splashed cold water on my face and took a shower to wash the stench of sex off of me. I toweled off and saw that she was still sleeping in my bed. Not able to deal with her yet, I got dressed and went downstairs in search of coffee. Andrew was sitting at the kitchen table, doing something on his phone while Joe was making a smoothie of some kind. What ever happened to good ol’ bacon and eggs?

“Morning,” I mumbled as I poured myself some coffee.

“Morning. So, who’s the lucky lady?” Joe asked.

“Shut up.” I took a sip of coffee and cringed when he started the blender, making my head pound and my teeth clench painfully.

“Dude, it worked out?” Andrew said excitedly. “You brought what’s-her-face home?”

“She has a name, asshole.”

“I’m sure she does. I just don’t give a shit what it is. Thanks again for that, man. Her friend was quiche AF.” Andrew had a grin on his face that stretched a mile wide.

“She’s here?” Joe asked, intrigue in his expression. 

“Oh, yeah,” Andrew grinned, holding his fist out for a fist bump, which Joe returned. “Upstairs in my room as we speak. She was so thirsty for me.”

“Just once, I wish that you would talk like a normal person. I can’t decipher what you’re saying this morning.”

“The friend was hot as fuck and she wanted my cock. Clear enough for you?”

“Crystal,” I said, narrowing my eyes at him.

“Oh, God.” I turned to see Katherine walking down the stairs, holding her head and wearing only my t-shirt, which barely covered her ass. I walked over to the coffee pot and poured her a cup, holding it out to her. She took a sip and then spit it out. “What is that?”

“Coffee.”

“I don’t drink coffee, remember?”

I searched my memory, but there were a lot of blank spots. I shook my head.

“We didn’t drink that much,” she said, sounding insulted.

“I only drink beer, so that was a lot for me.”

“Who are you guys?” she asked as she looked at my brothers. I quirked an eyebrow at Andrew who looked completely unfazed by all this. 

“You know Andrew and this is my brother, Joe,” I pointed in Joe’s direction.

Andrew shook his head slightly as he assessed Katherine. “Nope. Not ringing any bells.” I rolled my eyes. Typical of Andrew to not recognize the woman he set me up with.

“Let me just eat some breakfast and then I’ll drop you at your car. Do you want some eggs?” I asked Katherine. 

“Sure. Do you have any cream to put in that black gunk you call coffee?”

“Nope. We drink it black.”

“Savages,” she muttered under her breath.

“Morning, everyone!” A perky blonde walked down the stairs and over to Andrew, straddling his lap and giving him one of the dirtiest kisses I had ever seen. I rolled my eyes and waited for her and Katherine to say hi to each other. They didn’t really seem the type to be friends. The blonde looked like a slut and not all that bright. Katherine, while definitely more wild, for sure had more clothes on. Her face was free of makeup while the blonde looked like it was caked on her face. 

The blonde came up for air and dismounted my brother. “Wow. Full house this morning. Are you going to introduce me, bae?”

Andrew gave her a strange look. “My brothers, Eric and Joe. You know her,” he pointed at Katherine. She tilted her head and seemed to search her memory, but shook her head. 

“No, I don’t think we’ve met. I’m Sadie.”

“Kiki.”

“Wait,” I pointed between the two of them. “You two are friends. Andrew said that he brought the friend home.”

“No, I’ve never met her,” Katherine said in confusion.

“But, I was supposed to meet Sadie’s friend last night.”

“Oh, Bethany,” Sadie nodded. “Yeah, she took some other guy home.”

“If I wasn’t supposed to meet you,” I said to Katherine, “then who were you waiting for?”

“I was waiting for a blind date also. I just assumed you were him.”

“You didn’t get a name?” I asked incredulously.

“In case you didn’t notice, you didn’t know my name either,” she snapped back.

“That’s because my dipshit brother couldn’t remember your-her name. I just assumed when you introduced yourself as Kiki that you were the bimbo I was supposed to meet.”

“Bimbo? Is that what I am now? Strange, you weren’t calling me that last night when I was sucking your cock.”

Joe cleared his throat,” I think I’m gonna bounce. Way to go, Hunty,” he whispered as he left.

I shook my head. It was too early for this crap. I finished making breakfast and unloaded it on plates. Katherine ignored me as she ate quickly, almost as if she wanted to get away from me. Which was fine because I was regretting our little rendezvous also. We got in my truck and I started for her car. I was trying to think of how to say this nicely, but there really wasn’t a nice way of putting it.

“Look, last night was fun, but I don’t normally do that kind of thing.”

“What kind of thing?”

“Bring random women home from the bar. I usually date.”

“So, what made you do it last night?”

“Alcohol. Lots and lots of alcohol.”

“That’s such a cop out. If you didn’t want to have sex with me, you wouldn’t have taken me home. I’m pretty sure you were a willing participant in what happened.”

“I’m not saying it was wrong, I’m just saying I don’t normally do that. It won’t be happening again.”

“Because you’re too uptight?”

“Because you’re not my type,” I snapped. I wasn’t uptight. I just did things a certain way and her way wasn’t my way.

“And what is your type? Some Martha Stewart wannabe?”

“No, just not the type that goes home with men she picks up in a bar after just meeting.”

“That’s so hypocritical. Did you ever think that that was my first time doing something like that?”

I hadn’t. It hadn’t even been a consideration. By the way things went last night, I just assumed that was something she did on a regular basis.

“Well, it wasn’t just that. You jumped into my arms when you saw me. You wrapped your legs around my waist! Who does that?”

“Oh, please. I had you pegged as soon as you walked over. The way you were looking around the bar in disgust, I knew you were too uptight to be in a place like that. I was messing with you.”

“Can we just forget about last night? It happened, but it’s not gonna again.”

“Whatever,” she huffed. We rode in silence the rest of the way to her car.

When she stepped out, she held the door for just a second. “See you around,” and then she was gone.

That was one night that I wouldn’t ever be repeating. Not only did I have a killer hangover, but I didn’t particularly like dealing with women that felt they had been slighted. When I took a woman out on a date, I always made sure that we were on the same page before things went further. One night stands were just messy.