Coop: Thanks, Giulia. I really fucking hate being here today, but Cap made me do it.
Giulia: Well, since I wrote your character, you really have no choice in the matter.
Coop: Yeah, I really appreciate that. *eye roll*
Giulia: So, Coop, how are things going with Becky now? Do I hear wedding bells in the future?
Coop: Yeah, but you’re not invited.
Giulia: That makes me kind of sad.
Coop: Yeah, I’m in tears over here.
Giulia: Will Hunter be officiating?
Coop: That’s highly unlikely. You’ve seen the way he fucks up a ceremony.
Giulia: But it’s tradition…
Coop: So is Christmas, but not everyone celebrates.
Giulia: Okay then. So, how do you feel about your entire life being put on display for all these readers?
Coop: Yeah, that’s another thing I want to talk to you about. I didn’t ask for you to talk about all the shit I’ve been through.
Giulia: Well, if I didn’t talk about it, nobody would be reading my books, and then you wouldn’t exist. In fact, you all threatened to come to my house and convince me to not kill any of you off. I have the pages that were written by one of my readers.
Coop: Can you blame us for wanting to stay alive?
Giulia: Exactly my point. So, if you want to stay relevant at Reed Security, you’re going to have to open up and tell us all about how you’re feeling. Now’s your chance.
Coop: Look, I’m not gonna grab a Shirley Temple and tell you all about how I’m feeling. I’m pretty sure we’ve already done this in the book. If you want to know what happens, read the fucking book. I don’t really need to rehash my assholery with all of you here today.
Giulia: Speaking of which, I have one last question, Coop.
Coop: I’m on the edge of my seat.
Giulia: So, this new bromance with Chance, are we going to see more of this in future books?
Coop: First of all, there’s no bromance with Chance-
Giulia: You had drinks.
Coop: Guys drink together all the time.
Giulia: He had a Shirley Temple.
Coop: It doesn’t fucking matter what he drank! There’s no bromance. We sat and talked shit out. End of story.
Giulia: I think the readers are going to be pretty disappointed by that.
Coop: Do I look like I give a fuck?
Giulia: Right, you’re looking a little testy right now.
Coop: You think?
Giulia: Let’s leave it here. I think your book will actually make you look better than you do in this interview.
Coop: Thank fucking God. So, I can leave now?
Giulia: Well, you won’t get far. You are in my head.
Coop gets up and walks to another corner of my mind, slamming the imaginary door…