Sinner

Chapter 1

“Cara, what exactly are you worried will happen?” Dr. Penwarden asked me from his armchair. He was a man in his sixties with graying hair and wire rimmed glasses. He had always had a kind demeanor to him that prevented me from yelling at him when he asked me such stupid questions.

“I’m afraid I’ll throw up all over the table.”

“Would that really be so terrible?”

“To throw up on a table in front of all my friends? Yes, I think that would be absolutely mortifying.”

“Your friends know what happened to you, though. Don’t you think they would understand?”

I shrugged and stared at the ground.

“Have you ever talked to your friends about what you feel like when you go out in public?”

I shook my head no.

“Has anyone ever witnessed you having a panic attack?”

“My brother and my parents.”

“Why don’t you start by going out with them to lunch and explain to them what you’re trying to accomplish?”

I scoffed and looked out the window. I was so tired of dealing with this, of always being afraid in public. On top of that, I had now developed a social anxiety disorder and couldn’t stand to eat in public places. My anxiety about being in public intensified one day when I was out to eat with my brother. I got sick and threw up in the bathroom, just barely making it in time. Now, whenever I went out to eat, I associated the smells of the restaurant with my anxiety. Just the smell of the food made me feel nauseous and I usually had to make some excuse to leave before I threw up in another restaurant.

“They just worry about me. They always watch me which makes my anxiety worse.”

“Why don’t you go to a restaurant by yourself? Choose something from the menu that is bland or some fruit. Just keep it simple. If you feel you need to leave, you don’t have to make excuses to anyone. Work up to going out with other people. Just concentrate now on getting yourself comfortable sitting in the restaurant.”

“Okay. I can try that.”

“Baby steps. You’ll get there, but you have to keep trying. If you don’t push yourself into uncomfortable situations, you’ll never get better. You’ll miss out on life.”

I nodded and took a deep breath as I said his words over and over in my head. He closed his notebook and stood. “Go ahead and schedule an appointment for next week. Make sure you go to a restaurant between now and then so we can work through it at our next appointment.”

I thanked him and walked out to my car. I hated leaving the clinic because it felt like every time I went there, everyone knew what I was going for. Therapy. I gripped my pepper spray in my purse as I walked to my car, my eyes darting to all the corners of the parking lot. I always tried to park as close to the building as possible and I never scheduled an appointment for anything past midday. I was scared to be out after dark. That had been when I was taken.

I slammed the door as I got in my car. I couldn’t believe that after all this time, this was my life. I was so tired of being scared all the time. I wanted so desperately to live a normal life like other people. While other people went out with their friends and drank at a bar, I sat at home and read books or watched TV. I didn’t go anywhere without mace in my purse and I was looking into getting a gun. The problem was, I needed to learn to shoot first and I was uncomfortable being someplace with so many weapons.

I banged my head on the steering wheel and screamed in frustration over the angry thoughts running through my head. Making a split second decision, I started the car and headed for the closest restaurant, Maggie’s Diner. I had been there before, once with Harper and Sarah. They were wives of my brother’s friends. Cece, another wife, used to work there, but since she’d had kids, she stopped working. That was a good thing considering I would have to talk to her if she was there.

I parked right in front of the diner and walked inside, taking a seat halfway between the exit and the bathroom. My heart was already beating wildly in my chest and I was sweating profusely. I forced myself to take deep, calming breaths to slow my heart rate, but it only ever worked enough to keep me from going into a full blown panic. 

“What can I get you?”

I looked up at the waitress and tried for a smile, but failed. 

“Uh, can I have a glass of ice water?”

“Do you want anything to eat?”

Eat. Did I want anything to eat? I could do this. Baby steps.

“A small bowl of fruit.”

The waitress looked at me like I was some skinny bitch that was trying to starve myself. The truth was, I needed the ice water to cool me down. I was getting overheated and if I didn’t have it soon, I would probably have to leave. The fruit sounded like something I might be able to handle.

When the waitress set the cup down in front of me, the water sloshed over the top, but I didn’t care. I took the glass and greedily drank from it. My hands were shaking and when I set it down, it slipped in the water that was on the table and tipped over, spilling water everywhere. The water spilled over the edge of the table and splashed all over the waitress’s shoes.

“Seriously? Is it really that hard to not spill a glass of water? This is just great. Now my shoes are going to be wet for the rest of the shift.”

She was practically shouting, which drew the attention of the other customers and increased my anxiety. I was practically hyperventilating now. I pushed out of the booth, deciding that I’d had enough for one day and stepped right into the path of another waitress. Her tray of food went flying and spilled all over the floor. Every eye in the place was on me. I could feel my face turn bright red and I wanted to apologize, but my breathing was so erratic that it felt like there was a clump of food stuck in my throat. 

My waitress was complaining about what a klutz I was as she helped the other waitress pick up the food. I willed my feet to move and run for the exit, but the food was spread in front of me and the waitresses were blocking me in. The water in my stomach was churning and I was sure I was going to throw up all over them at any minute. I tried to step over them, but the bitchy waitress held up her hand and told me to wait. 

I was now in a full blown panic attack and now there were spots filling my vision. With no exit, I was stuck standing here with everyone staring at me. Forget throwing up, I was now on the verge of passing out. I vaguely heard another customer saying something, but nothing registered anymore. My eyes slid shut as my body did a free fall toward the ground. It should have hurt, I thought as I landed against something hard, but it didn’t. Blacking out was a new aspect of my social anxiety, I realized, as everything went dark.

✯✯✯✯✯

“Hey, can you hear me?”

“Should we call an ambulance?”

“I don’t think so. How about you all just back up and give her some space.”

Oh, God. I didn’t want to open my eyes. If I did, I would see a crowd of people surrounding me, looking at me like I was a freak. But if I just laid here, they would call an ambulance, which would only cause me to have another panic attack. Slowly, I pried my eyes open and saw the bluest, sharpest eyes I had ever seen. There was an absolutely gorgeous man kneeling over me, with a sharp nose and angular jaw. He had jet black hair that was styled in a military cut and a neatly trimmed beard. 

He was looking at me with concern which only made me more embarrassed. I couldn’t have passed out in front of someone ugly. No, I had to do it in front of the sexiest man alive that I now wouldn’t stand a chance in hell of ever seeing again. Not that I could if I wanted to. If he so much as spoke to me outside of this moment, I would probably turn tail and run.

“Are you okay? I saw you were about to pass out and I just barely caught you. I didn’t hurt you, did I?”

His voice was low and gruff and if I wasn’t so worried about the fact that I had just passed out in a restaurant full of people, I would have reached up and kissed him just to feel his beard against my skin. His fingers started probing my head and I looked at him in confusion.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

“You weren’t answering me. I thought maybe you hit your head. I could have sworn I caught you before you hit the floor, but I was starting to wonder.”

For just those few moments I laid there and pretended like it was just him and me, but slowly the noises of the restaurant started to filter back in and I was reminded of why I was on the floor in the first place. I sat up quickly, deciding that the best course of action was to just flee the scene. He had to step back quickly to move as I pushed to my feet. 

The food had been cleaned up from the floor, so I must have been out for a few minutes. I quickly snatched my purse from the booth, trying to avoid the stares of the other patrons.

“Whoa, hold on a minute. Are you sure you’re okay?”

“I’m fine,” I said as I briskly walked to the door. Sure that he stayed behind, I immediately started berating myself as I walked to my car with my hand on my pepper spray.

“Good job in there. Way to get yourself out of that funk. Chances are I’ll never step foot in a restaurant again.”

“Do you always talk to yourself?”

I screamed and spun around, pulling my pepper spray from my purse and squirting it right in the person’s face.

“Shit!”

The man stepped back and started coughing to the point that I could tell he wasn’t drawing a full breath. His face was turning red and he was rubbing his eyes. I was about to turn and run when I realized it was the man from the diner.

“Oh my God! I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize it was you.”

He pulled his phone out and started fumbling around with the screen. He was pressing something, but I had no idea what. His coughing was becoming more intense and I didn’t know what to do for him.

“Sinner, what’s going on?” a voice asked urgently through the phone.

The man shoved the phone at me, so I assumed he wanted me to talk to whoever was on the other end.

“Um.. I sprayed him with pepper spray and now he’s coughing a lot and his face looks like a tomato. I don’t think he can see.”

“Alright, come to the Reed Security building. Do you know where that’s located?” he asked urgently.

“No.”

He rattled off an address and I tried my best to remember it as I started dragging the man over to my car. After shoving him in the passenger side, I ran around to the driver’s side and quickly started the car. I drove as fast as I could to Reed Security as the man next to me continued to cough and wheeze. Shit. Sean had told me that this would happen, but I never thought I would stick around to witness it.

I pulled up to a gate where a security guard quickly waved me through when he saw the man next to me. A man ran out and grabbed the man, pulling him inside. I didn’t know if I should stay or go, so I grabbed my purse and followed. Once out of the elevator, we went into a room that looked similar to a hospital room. 

“Let me see the canister,” the man shouted at me.

I fumbled it out of my purse and shoved it into his hands. After reading the label, he pulled out a syringe and a vial and quickly administered it to the man. Within minutes, the man was only sporadically coughing. Relief spread through me so quickly that I almost collapsed. 

“Where did you get this? This isn’t stuff an average citizen carries around.” The man was calmer now that he seemed to have the situation under control.

“Um. I’m sorry, who are you?”

“Hunter. I’m the team medic.”

“Cara.”

“So, where did you get this?”

“My brother. He’s a cop.”

“No shit? What’s his name?”

“Sean Donnelly.”

Understanding lit his eyes and I immediately wanted to hide. I hated when people recognized me. First there were the looks of pity and then the questions about how I was doing or how I escaped.

“Well, that explains how you have something that’s military grade.” He turned back to the sexy man and clapped him on the shoulder. “Stop being such a pussy. It’s just pepper spray.”

“She sprayed it right in my fucking face. I was standing right by her,” the man said.

“You’ll be lucky if you can see tonight.”

“Oh, God. Please tell me I didn’t blind him.”

“No, he’ll be fine,” Hunter said as he started wiping the man’s face with soapy water. His whole face looked irritated and painful.

“I’m really sorry. You just surprised me and I reacted.”

“I’m sure it’s not the first time a woman has attacked Sinner,” Hunter grinned.

“Sinner?”

“Mark. My name is Mark, but everyone calls me Sinner.”

“Why?”

“Because my last name is Sinn.”

“And he has quite a reputation with the ladies,” Hunter said with a laugh. “At least, that’s why we call him that.”

“Well, Mark, I really am sorry. You scared me when I was leaving and I just wasn’t thinking.”

“You should probably just go home. You’re not going to be any use to us for the rest of the day.” Hunter started cleaning up and wiped the excess soap from Mark’s face. “I can’t give you a ride home for another hour.”

I looked at the irritation on Mark’s face. Irritation from the spray and irritation that he had to stay longer, and I just couldn’t let him sit here and be miserable.

“I could give you a ride home.”

“Are you sure about that?” He looked in my direction, but I wasn’t sure he could actually see me.

“Yeah, it’s the least I can do after I sprayed you in the face.”

“Awesome,” Hunter said, clapping his hands together. “Well, I’m gonna get back to work. Wash your face with no tears baby shampoo when you get home. Other than that, don’t touch your face.”

“Thanks, man.”

Hunter left the room and it was then that I realized that I hadn’t freaked out about being in the same room with two very large men. Men that could easily overpower me and do whatever they wanted with me. That thought had me breathing faster, but I told myself that I was fine and the man in front of me couldn’t even see me. 

“Hey, I can hear you panicking over there. What’s going on?”

“Nothing. I’m fine.” It came out stilted and it was obvious I was lying.

“Sure. Well, you don’t have to worry. I’m not going to hurt you and even if I wanted to, I can’t see you.”

He smiled which made me feel somewhat better. I forced myself to move forward and grab his arm. He seemed a little surprised, but allowed me to lead him out of the room. We walked to the elevator where he felt around for something and only then did I realize it was a screen. I helped him position his hand and the doors opened. We did the same inside and then he had me enter the code.

“I’ll have to be careful. You might be using me to get inside the building, now that you know the code.”

“Except that I would still need your handprint.”

“You could always chop it off. How do I know you’re not some psycho trying to steal our secrets?”

“I think you already know who I am, so I think it’s safe to say I won’t be chopping off any body parts.”

“Well, that’s good considering I’m about to get in a car with you and I can’t see to defend myself.”

“Why do I get the feeling that you could incapacitate me whether you could see or not?”

This whole conversation should have been sending me back into my nightmare, but something about his jovial demeanor kept me calm. 

“I probably could, but if you aren’t a threat, there’s no need to incapacitate you.”

The elevator doors opened and five hulking men stood outside the doors. They didn’t wait for us to get off before they stepped inside and pressed me into the corner of the elevator.

“Hey, Sinner. You look like shit. Is this the girl that sprayed you?” 

The guys started talking, but I couldn’t hear anything they said after that because the walls of the elevator felt like they were closing in on me. My heart thudded loudly in my chest and the men started to sway in front of me. I was gasping for air seconds later as I leaned heavily against the wall. Strong arms pulled me toward the elevator doors, but when my feet wouldn’t move, I was picked up and carried out in the parking garage. Sinner set me down on the ground and kneeled in front of me.

“Look into my eyes, Cara. Breathe. Take a deep breath.”

I did as he said and my breathing calmed, but the nausea was now bubbling up in my stomach. Before I could turn, vomit rose up my throat and spewed all over the man in front of me. He tried to step back, but some got on his jeans and dripped down to his shoes. I felt Sinner place his hand on my back and rub gently. His touch was calming and helped to keep the tears at bay. Usually when I had a massive panic attack, I went into a crying jag because I would get so upset at myself for allowing these feelings to take over. 

“Geez, I know that I look ugly like this, but I didn’t realize my face would make you throw up.”

I was glad that he was trying to lighten the situation instead of making me feel like a freak show. I laughed at his joke and wiped the yuck from my face.

“I’m pretty sure that there is no way you could ever be considered ugly.” I finally gained the courage to look up at his red, swollen eyes. “I’m so sorry I threw up on you.”

“As Hunter told you, I have too many skirts chasing me. I needed a woman repeller.”

“Well, I’m sure they’d use it as an excuse to get you out of your pants. No doubt what’s underneath is even more impressive.”

“Are you trying to say you find me attractive?” 

“Sinfully attractive. Isn’t that why they call you Sinner?”

“One of the many reasons.” He held out his hand and pulled me to my feet. “Now how about you get me home so I can wash this crap out of my eyes and see that gorgeous face of yours.”

I smiled because I knew he couldn’t see me. I couldn’t imagine a man like him ever going for a mess like me, but it was nice to feel attractive for once. I only ever felt broken and I was sure that every person that looked at me could see the girl that was still tied up in that basement.