Jules

“Just tell me what the hell is going on, Ivy!”

Jules was pissed at me. Again. He had been bugging me about my past ever since Blake, his teammate, informed him that I was in hiding. He wanted to know what I was hiding from, but the shame was too much to take right now. I still felt the humiliation and anger that had filled me when I had been accused of knowing my ex-boyfriend’s plans. I had tried to warn them. I had told them everything I suspected, but they still wouldn’t look into it. They said it wasn’t enough to go on.

And then it happened, just like I thought it would. Only then I was more than his ex-girlfriend. I was a suspected accomplice. No one had believed me. The newspapers said that I had been involved. Strangers raged at me wherever I went. My apartment building had been vandalized several times. My landlord said that I was causing a disturbance and putting the other tenants in danger. I was kicked out with no notice and nowhere to go. And then I was called into my boss’s office and had been told they were making budget cuts. I was no longer needed. It didn’t matter that I had been there longer than some of the other employees. I chose not to fight it. I was tired of the constant anger that was spewed in my direction. I left and never looked back.

“Julian, I’m not doing this again with you. I told you that it was none of your business and I meant it.”

“Why can’t you see that I just want to help you? This is my job. I can protect you from whoever you’re running from. All you have to do is let me in.”

“I’m not running from anyone. My decisions were just that, my decisions. It wasn’t because I was running from anyone or I was in danger.” Sort of. “I chose to move on with my life and I wanted a fresh start. Why can’t you just accept that?”

“Because I care about you. We’ve been together over two years now and-”

“We have not been together,” I interrupted. “We sleep together. That’s all we have. We don’t go on dates or do anything couples do.”

He stepped into my personal space, his chest brushing against mine. Every breath was wrapped up in this man. He made me want to break down and tell him. He had come so close to getting me to spill it all several times, but I had been strong. But now? Now his hands cupped my face and he rested his forehead against mine. He was trying to get me to let him in, but I just couldn’t.

“That’s not true and you know it. Maybe we were just fucking in the beginning, but we’re so much more now. We spend every minute we can together. I talk to you about more shit than I have with anyone else. I spend every night in your bed with you sleeping on my chest. I’ve never wanted that with anyone, but I want it with you. I want it all. I need you. Just let me in.”

“I can’t,” I said quietly. “Please don’t ask me to again.”

I pulled away from him, putting distance between us, both physically and emotionally. I knew he would get tired of this sooner or later, maybe even today, but that was the choice I made and I wouldn’t be changing my mind. If this was the last time we were together, I wanted to remember every last thing about him. His muscular body that held me down as he took me. His bright blue eyes that always seemed to look right into my soul. A face that was strong and hard, but always had a smile for me. His short, brown hair that I liked to run my fingers through at night when we would lie in bed and talk about anything that didn’t have to do with my past. But most of all, I would miss the way those strong arms held me like I was the most precious thing in the world to him, but could easily control my every move with those strong, rugged hands.

“You have to let someone in. You can’t hide forever.”

“Julian, this is my life, the way I want it. If you can’t accept that, then you have to move on. I’m not going to change my mind and I don’t want you to waste your time on me. If you need more, you’re going to have to find it somewhere else.”

His eyes turned hard and I knew his answer before he said it. “It didn’t have to be this way.”

He looked like he wanted to say more, but instead gathered his things and left me alone in my apartment. Even though he had just left, it already felt dark and lonely here. The cold I felt even though the sun was streaming in through the windows only proved that I had closed myself off from the rest of the world. It wasn’t a good way to live. It wasn’t much of a life at all, but I had Emma, my best friend, and her husband, Blake, standing by me. They were the only ones that knew my secret and that was because Emma had played the cancer card with me, and Blake had overheard my confession.

He was certain that no one would care, but I knew that wasn’t true. The hate mail I received from the families of the victims proved that. That day, my ex-boyfriend planted that bomb and killed both active military members and veterans, and people that had been watching the parade. Many were injured, but the number of deaths was what killed me. If only I’d had something more substantial to take to the police. Lives could have been saved and I wouldn’t be living with the guilt.

I could wish and hope and pray for a different life, but that wouldn’t do any good. Wishes were things you wanted to come true. That’s all my life would ever be from now on. One big wish that I could go back in time and change the events that altered the course of my life.