Chapter 1:

“This is a terrible idea,” Patrick said for the tenth time as we headed to Asher’s new place.

It was way out at the piss end of nowhere, not that Kansas was much better. If he was hoping we’d never visit him, he picked a great location. Aside from wheat growing in the fields, there wasn’t a whole hell of a lot to see.

“It’s not a terrible idea. He’s not answering our calls. We need to make sure he’s okay.”

“Of course, he’s not okay,” Patrick scoffed. “You saw him at the funeral. That was a man that was completely lost. He needs space.”

“He needs his friends to pull him out of the mess he’s in. Jade didn’t die because of him.”

“No, she died because she was depressed as hell. Kate saw it. She had Knight warn Asher to keep an eye on her.”

I slowly turned and glared at my teammate. “Are you suggesting he ignored the signs?”

“No, I’m suggesting she did a really fucking good job pretending she was okay. I was with her the most. I’m telling you, I thought she was pulling out of it. The nightmares seemed to be gone. She was getting better at moving around the house.”

“She was getting better at taking those fucking pills,” I growled. My hands clenched on the steering wheel to keep from driving off the road and straight into a fucking tree. Considering how Jade took her own life, that was probably the wrong thing to think. The whole situation made me angry. If only she’d realized that day, though she might end her pain, she would hurt everyone around her.

“And us going to see Asher isn’t going to be anything but a reminder.”

“So, when we didn’t see the signs with Jade, that was bad. But when we should go check on our friend who is also depressed as hell, you want to walk away?”

He sighed heavily, knowing I had a good point. “Fuck, I just know he won’t want to see us.”

“He doesn’t have a fucking choice. We were there with him. We need to be the ones to drag him out of this.”

“In fucking Ohio. Who picks up and moves to Ohio?”

“People that don’t want to see anyone else,” I surmised. “It’s isolated.”

“Yeah, full of fucking corn fields and flat land as far as the eye can see. You don’t think he took up farming, do you?”

“No. I think it’s more likely he took up drinking.”

I looked at the navigation again and took the road to his house. We were only five minutes away. The closer we got, the more I started sweating. I was worried about what I’d find. I’d known Asher for long enough now to know that he was cocky, full of confidence that he could do anything he put his mind to. And when Jade died, that shook him to the core. Everything he was sure about was gone in just those few seconds when we watched her plow the minivan into the tree.

I closed my eyes briefly, but it was long enough to see the vivid images of Jade lying on the ground, her body broken. She wasn’t even my wife, and I still woke up with nightmares of finding her that day—of seeing the utter devastation on Asher’s face as he held her in his arms. Patrick and I never discussed it. I knew it shook him too, but neither of us could talk about that day.

“Did, uh…did Cash make you see someone?” I asked after a minute.

“Yeah.”

“Did it help?”

“You mean, did it ease the gripping guilt I feel every fucking day? Does it make me feel better knowing that we not only lost a client, but our best friend is tearing himself to shreds?”

I nodded. “Yeah, basically.”

“Did you see someone?”

“Do you want to talk about what happened that day?”

I sat in the chair, refusing to look at the woman in front of me. What the fuck did she know about tragedy? Had she ever witnessed a suicide before? I had, and it wasn’t any better the second time around.

“You know, it can help to talk about it.”

“Does saying that make you feel better?”

“I hope I can help someone. I know it won’t work for everyone. On the other hand, people that come to me have to want help. If you sit here every day and say nothing, I can’t even try.”

I still sat there, unable to add to the conversation. I had failed. It wasn’t just Jade…I failed Asher too, and now he was paying the price. I caused him that misery.

“Let me ask you this…what would you change if you could go back?”

“Chase?”

I cleared my throat, shifting in my seat as I pulled down the long driveway. The house was in shambles. I was surprised it was even standing. This was worse than I thought.

“Let’s focus on Asher. He’s the one that needs the help.”

“Are you sure about that?” he muttered as I pulled to a stop and turned off the car.

I ignored him and got out, slamming the door behind me. The house was nothing to look at from the outside. The brown clapboard house was weathered, barely standing if the tilt to the foundation was anything to go on. A few windows were broken, and the rest looked like they would collapse on their own weight at any moment.

“Christ, what the hell is he doing out here?” I asked, scrubbing my hand across the nape of my neck. “I think we waited too long to come out.”

“I think we should leave. This is something out of a horror movie.”

I was pissed at myself for letting him walk away, but seeing how he was living just made the guilt eat at me even more. “Come on,” I said, forcing myself to walk up to the house.

The stairs were cracking, barely attached to the porch. I was careful where I stepped, nearly falling through a broken board. When I finally made it to the crooked screen door, I decided to knock on the frame instead of the splintered wood barely hanging from the hinges. The whole house would probably crumble around us if the door fell off. 

At first, I didn’t think he was going to answer. I stood there, disappointed that I wouldn’t get to see him. Hell, I’d camp out in his yard and wait for him to come home. But just as I was about to turn and leave, the front door opened and a very disheveled Asher appeared, leaning against the doorframe, staring at me through the crusty screen door.

“You look like shit,” Patrick scoffed.

Asher didn’t say a word. He stared at us, not moving, as if we weren’t actually there. The deep bags under his eyes showed how little he was sleeping.

“Can we come in?”

His eyes flicked to mine, cold and lifeless. Not at all the man I once knew. He stepped back, shoving at the screen door just enough to push it open a quarter inch before he walked away. 

Patrick quirked an eyebrow, catching the door before it closed. “I guess that’s our invitation inside.”

I sighed heavily, knowing our work was cut out for us. I followed him inside, shaking my head in disgust at what I saw. There was a giant hole in the floor that Asher walked around before flopping down on the couch. His once white wife beater was stained, looking more gray than anything. But at least he was wearing pants. That was always a positive sign. 

However, the state of his house said something different. Take-out containers littered the living area, and whiskey bottles were scattered on the various side tables. The built-in bookshelf that housed no books had bottles tipped over on multiple shelves. 

“I like what you’ve done with the place,” I finally said.

“Why are you here?” he asked, not bothering to look at either of us.

“We heard you got a new place,” Patrick answered in his usual sarcastic way. “Thought we’d see how you’ve decorated.”

If Patrick was hoping to get a reaction out of Asher, he was sorely mistaken. Asher ran a hand through his greasy hair that had grown at least a few inches since we last saw him. But that was the least of my worries. He had clearly stopped doing any kind of workouts. His muscle mass had decreased significantly, leaving a less-than-defined body. He wasn’t just eating crap; he was withering away from the man he used to be.

“You want to go out to lunch?” I asked, hoping to draw him out of this depressing place.

He sighed heavily, leaning his head back on the couch. “What do you want?” he asked again.

“Asher, you disappeared. You had to know we’d come looking for you.”

“Well, you found me. You can leave now.”

His eyes slipped closed, almost like it was just too fucking difficult to keep them open. I couldn’t blame him for feeling like shit. Jade was gone, and that responsibility rested on all our shoulders. But she was his wife, and how she ended it all…no man could come back from that easily.

“Asher—”

“Don’t,” he growled. 

“You’re fucking wasting away here. I’m not asking you to come back with us, but at least let us take you to lunch.”

“Or to a barber,” Patrick piped up, earning a glare from me.

“What? He needs a shave and haircut. Maybe a shower. It fucking stinks in here.”

That wasn’t what I had in mind when I said we needed to check on him. And joking around was the last thing on his mind.

“Look, I appreciate you guys coming out here, but it was unnecessary.” He didn’t even open his eyes. It was like all life had seeped out of his body. This shell of a man, laying on the couch like it was just too much trouble to move, was not someone I recognized.

“Asher—”

His eyes flew open and he was on his feet the next instant, staring at me with murder in his eyes. “I don’t fucking want you here!” he shouted. “What part of that don’t you understand?”

I stood to his height and refused to back down. “I understand it all perfectly. I was there that day. I know what you’re going through.”

“You know—” He burst out laughing, covering his mouth as he turned from me. “You know what I’m going through?” He looked back at me, but his eyes showed no traces of humor. “You know what it’s like to see your wife…” His jaw hardened as I watched him fight back the tears threatening to spill down his cheeks, “—drive straight at a fucking tree, and there’s nothing you can do about it.” The tears slowly seeped from the corner of his eyes and he swiped angrily at them. “You know what it’s like to find her body broken, laying on the ground…and there’s not a fucking thing you can do to save her?”

He lifted a shaky hand to his mouth, almost as if he was trying to hold in a sob. I watched my friend break in front of me. With every moment that passed, he lost a little piece of himself. The steady man who was always so unflinching was falling apart, his whole body shaking as if he had no control.

Slowly, I walked over, placing my hand on his shoulder. My own emotions had been on a tight leash since that horrible day. I couldn’t even imagine what he was going through.

“Asher—” It came out as a whisper. I didn’t know what to say, how to get through to him that we were here for him. “You don’t have to do this alone.”

He sucked back the tears, looking up at me with bloodshot eyes. “There’s nothing left for me back there. I can’t—”

He swallowed hard, telling me all I needed to know. “I know. But that doesn’t mean you can’t count on us.”

He nodded slightly, but I knew he was just trying to placate me. “I appreciate you coming out.”

“Maybe—”

“You should go,” he said, stepping away from me. He glanced at Patrick, trying his best to shoot him a lopsided grin. “Don’t you have somewhere better to be? Maybe some ladies to chase?”

“No ladies to chase,” Patrick smiled.

“That’s a shame.” Asher took a deep breath, then walked around the gaping hole in the floor and pushed open the screen door, waiting for us to make our exit. “You guys should leave now if you want to get home.”

“We packed bags,” I said, trying to get him to listen.

“I don’t have any room. As you can see, the house is a bit of a mess. Maybe next time.”

“Asher—”

He shook his head. “Don’t make me fucking kick you out of my house.”

“You already are,” Patrick muttered.

“I don’t need your help. Just leave.”

I wanted to argue with him, but it was clear he wouldn’t allow us to stay. I nodded to Patrick, and we walked out onto the porch. I turned to say goodbye, but Asher slammed the door in our faces before I could say another word.

“That wasn’t exactly the reception I thought we’d get,” Patrick sighed. “He didn’t even offer us a cold beverage.”

I rolled my eyes and walked off the porch back to the car. “We’re not going far,” I said, ignoring his incredulous look. “We’ll be back tomorrow.”

He scowled as he dropped into the seat. “Fine, but if I don’t get a cold drink, I’m outta here.”